Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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