All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
