he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
