someone threw a dead crab at me
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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