What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
