I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
