Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
So squirting runs in the family.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
