...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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