I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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