hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
