i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
