I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
