okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Randomize
