Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
