new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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