he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
