my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
