When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize