please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize