My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
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First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
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If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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