if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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