I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
