I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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