Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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