someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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