I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
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I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
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It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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