Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I love you.
Bad choice
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