Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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