So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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