im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
