what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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