I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
