remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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