btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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