this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
