I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
