Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm having to shit out rocks
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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