I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
