I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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