just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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