dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
