how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
