I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
