you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
