how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
How does one acquire holy water?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
