i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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