I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the condom got lost in my hair
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
