4 words: hood of his car
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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