She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
