We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
