The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
