AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
