then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
