Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
