Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
