the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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