she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
