My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
