I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
